Saturday, September 16, 2006 10:42 PM
current mood: pondering, a little sad. utterly normal
yeh it is normal. But of course I never let people around me know, especially my mom. She does not deserve all this torture. I am just going to face it myself, which is what I must do. I am losing all self-confidence. I used to be able to do better than alot of people, all of a sudden, I cannot. In fact I am doing worse than alot of people who used to loe to me by ALOT.
I am not gloating but just being sad. I dono what led to this. Everything's been fine. I think my confidence very easy to be shattered. That is why losing is very sensitive me. One failure can cause my entire life to tumble down for weeks after that. You guys may call me cowardly but it just happens to be like that. I am sorry, to those who thought I would do so well. I dono if it is my fault. If it is, I am trying my best. But it seems to get worse the more I try. I am not talking about academics by the way.
Another reason I am sad, I heard someone commited suicide. Not someone I know, but someone. I think it is so saddening, yet so brave too. Must have been through a lot. Maybe it is better he died, perhaps living would have been hell for him. Dying was probably a better solution. Perhaps drama serials' happily-ever-after endings do not apply in real life. Maybe they never will.
Whatever I am feeling now is never shown to the outside world. I am introspective. All the turmoil in me is being covered by a simple, "I am mugging now, can you do not disturb.." Beign alone is what I need now. My only companion now is always music. It just listens to you just like I listen to it.
I feel like screaming, but it has to be a silent one. beneath the painted face and lips of mine lies a person so utterly different. Parents may be or confidants, but not for me. I feel so uncomfatable with my mom nowadays. Someitmes she will ask me what to do with my problematic brother. I just get freaked out and say that I want to sleep. Sorry, I just do not like to talk about serious topics with you.
Sorry to everyone especiallypeople around me. i may have said something mean, but it was not intentional. Maybe we should just folow the flow? If i offended you, please accept my apologies. have not been emotionally-stable. I may have intentionally avoided you, it is just because I don want to face the world at this point in time. being with myself and my iTunes may just be the only working remedy, To evryone going through this now, which is alot of people my age, even my schmates and classmates, you may be alone physically and mentally. It is okay to be i guess, keeping things to yourself isnot wrong too. Just make sure you follow your heart, ya?
I don want to be bad, mean, unfillial. I do not argue for things I want for fear of causing my mom who is alr so sad to be even more sad. guardian angels arent supposed to be seen. I hope. But I will always be protected. That is one thing I know.
