Everything will change, but love remains the same.

Thursday, August 10, 2006 10:46 AM

Sometimes these days I will think about "him" at night while I am dozing off. I am not even sure if I can remember his features, but I know that is not of much importance anymore. I guess the reason why I can never connect with the colour of green is that it is the color of the "heartbeat line" on the monitor in the hospital. As that one day exactly 3 years ago nears, I start to remember me, standing among those white walls, the white sheets, the white bed. I was wearing a blue jacket, hands in the pockets due to the coldness of the hospital ward. I knew that it was probably the last time I was seeing "him" and yet there was nothing much I could do. At that critical moment, I only remember clinging on to hope and yet I knew that this was reality. I did not try to change what I knew was to be, and simply stood and stared.

The continuous straight green line did not really hit me like a pang, but instead sank in slowly. I remember feeling the tears, and yet not being able to control them. Wells, I did not even try, there was no need to. At that moment, tears did not need to be hidden. Somehow I wondered whether I would do something really foolish, afterall it was scientifically proven I was much closer to "him" than many other people. Some people said that kids do not take such blows as hard as adults, maybe it is partially true. I vaguely remember getting over it in about 2 months, which was considered quite a short time for such a demise. And almost right after "his" departure came my P3 GEP Test, I remember wanting very much to get in, for myself and also for "him". Somehow, I did. It hit me as one good thing happening after so many bad things.

Many people often ask me whether I miss "him", and yet I do not know what to answer. What can I tell them, especially if it is an adult. Honestly I think I would say I miss him, but if I really said that they would try to comfort me. That is one thing I cannot stand. However if I say that I do not miss him, I would seem rather heartless.I guess that is one of the many dilemmas I faced after "his" departure. Somehow I do not even know if I want him back. You may think that I would definitely want him back if I miss him, but no. I do not think I can and will want to change history and have "him" still together with me. From the time "he" departed, I knew that I would have to face many many challenges. I was not sure if I was brave enough to face them all on my own but I was rather sure that "he" would give me the courage to face it. Without "his" departure, I probably would not be what I am today. In fact many people have told me that it was "his" departure that moulded me. I remember that I deeply regretted not giving "him" an assurance that I would be fine before "his" departure, and yet I knew that I did not need to give him that. I think he has never left me at all and he has been the one who has kept my journey so far smooth-sailing.

I know that there will be many more obstacles for me to face in the near future, I would not say I am afraid. Please give me the courage to face all of them and allow me to give you the courage for all the time when you need it. Please forgive me if I ever did anything not to your liking, whether intentionally or not. Please do not take offense if I do not remember to think of you, please allow me to have all that a normal person has and live my life like anyone else would. Please give me the hope that everything will be okay as long as I can stil feel the coolness of air flowing above my lower lip every few seconds. Please give me the assurance that you will be here with me, wherever I go and whatever I do.