Saturday, September 30, 2006 8:38 PM
I realise I have been subconciously and conciously doing all the personality tests I can get my hands on. i hvae even started playing with tarot cards online. This may just appear as spending time but the root reason I am doing it is to find out about myself, the self that I know nuts about. I realise that maybe technical devices understand me better than I do myself, and I am so desperate that I need to seek help from tickle.com and blogthings.
I am trying to be what I think is the true "self" of me, but that too, is proving to be harder than it seems. I am turning into a patient of personality disorder.
The test told me that I have an EQ of 126. What a weird number, and what a low score. Okay fine, it is average I guess. Every tarot reading I get, it tells me the same things. That I am now undergoing a major change and it is the time for me to go deep into myself and find out the answers I have been dying to find.
But the readings also say that something optimistic is coming up, and my future is bright and nothing major will go wrong in my external surroundings. I hope that refers to my PSLE. I hope. I know I shouldn't be relying on such scientifically-un-proven ways to determine my future. But yea, it is to raise my self esteem, my confidence, and most importantly, to give me hope. Hope and belief, in myself.
I usually never remember my dreams, but for today, I did. It was an almost weird dream. I wonder what it signifies. Okay, it doesn't take a dream to make me wonder. I am wondering every moment, about myself, about my family, about
him, about... everything.
The dream was that I got some disease or something. I really cannot remember the specifics. And I had to have this injection on my neck called co7. Weird name, but that is what I remember it as from the dream. And it was really painful. And it was Holly Short, from the book
Artemis Fowl, who helped me administer the injection. Holly Short is a fairy with magic powers for those who haven't read the book. And in the end I was too cowardly to take it. I wonder how that book can affect me so much. But it just happened to be like that. And then I woke up.
Yea, what a lame dream. But it somehow affected me alot in the entire day. I have been thinking about it for so long. but there is a part I did not tell you guys. There was one person in the dream. That probably made me think of the dream so much. I am so easily affected by such trifles nowadays, I wonder why. Wonder, wonder AGAIN. when will i stop doing that?
I dono why I am typing all this crap. My fingers are just breakdancing across the keyboard. it is free-style time. And soemhow my midn is not controlling what beans my mouth spill out, they just come out so naturally. I am sorry if I am being emo. That is me. I just want to let it all out. I will control my emotions in public functions or when I am around people. But this is my blog, and I am alone in this room now. So you can just not read this if it is going to affect your emotions adversely. I am sorry if I sound harsh. I am a little down. ):
i was standing in the bathroom. All the warm water rushing down my body. Instinctively, I made the water colder. I feel as if this life is an illusion, a dream. I want to wake up from it. And I hope the extreme temperatures will help. I realise I listen to music and watch TV to escape from the realities of life. I think I need fairy tales now, no matter how clishe and lame they are. I need comforting. I know i hate it. but comforting from inanimate objects are not as bad. Afterall, tales are non-matter.
I want to experience happily-eve-after endings. I want to know everything will turn out well. In the bathroom just know, I tried to cry. It is the best to cry in the bathroom cos no oen can see you, and the water from the shower will wash all your tears away. i tried ot cry, my mood was the mood for cryign I am sure, but the tears just did not come out. Was it concealed crying, was i not sad
enough? I wonder. AGAIN.
Recently I would sit silently in the car, not uttering a word, just letting the music from the radio flow over me. My mom would be like: "Why so quiet?" and I would absent-mindedly answer: "tired" Then she would go on and on about how I should sleep early. Actually, I am just lying to her. Okay at least I am not lying to myself, that is the worst crime, according to the tenth circle. Actually I just donot want to affect her One person sad is enough, rite? I am sorry, if I need to be...
