Everything will change, but love remains the same.

Monday, September 25, 2006 3:13 PM

I really want to be happy. To let go of all that is heavy for me, to just put down all my burdens, all my responsibilities. I want to seem like everyone else around me, crazy, carefree, and most importantly of all, happy! I try to put beside all my greivances and put on a strong face, but it just seems so hard. Perhaps in front of others, I can just pull off as an ordinary, happy, cheerful teenager. But when I am back with myself, it all changes from white to black once again.

I have personality disorder, and which one of my personalities I show you is really not in my control, I subconciously slide back and forth the many voices in my head, occasionally adopting each one of them. I have been sliding back and forth so frequently that the line dividing them all seems so blurry, I do not try to seperate them again.

At this point in time, I juts want to do what my heart tells me to. And the largest problem here is, even I myself do not know myself well. I suddenly realise how differently different people view me as. I never knew I was such a drastically different person in front of many others. I just want to be normal, I want to just blend in with everyone else. I want, I want, I want, I want... I dono.

I want to believe in myself. So often I hear myself silently hoping for happiness, for hope, for stability. But I start to doubt if I really need them, if there are people who need them more than I do. I start to get unsure, whether I am being overly greedy, or just exercising my right of possession and self-pity. I am all confused again. What are rights? What are my rights? A dictionary definition will not satisfy me. A dictionary is a dead piece of wood. Yep it is.

Two days ago, I stayed over at my cuzzin's house. Found a piece of foolscap, started doodling. What I mean is I started writing this chinese essay. I always find myself doing that and finishing it with dumb endings after 3 lines. Just to past time. But that time, I did not stop. I wrote, and wrote and wrote all the way till one foolscap paper and 5 lines. (without leaving lines and in my minute handwriting) it is not complete yet. I just hope I will persevere to compelte it as a short... novel? story? Maybe it can be a documentation of how this ordinary stupid girl spent her free-time. Janne saw it today and was freaked out, I dono why. However, I think that story I wrote, though fictional, is quite real.

At least, I am sure that zillions of people around the world have experienced it before. But probably, it would seem a little weird, afterall, I have not gone through such an experience before. I dono, maybe the incident form the view point of a complete "amatuer" would seem much more objective and real? The potential short novel is too long to be typed in. Maybe if I ever succeed in making it into a real novel, I will type it in. Maybe. A big maybe at that. I sincerely hope...

dancing in the clouds,
zhen