Friday, September 22, 2006 8:15 PM
Sitting on this partially-cushioned chair, music plays in the background. Alone in this large room, physically that is. A bowl of soup sits in front of me. Seemingly serene, my memories drift away to the past, the past of perhaps 8 years ago. Time has no significance afterall......
The time when I was 4. That seems so much like a dream now, drifting above my head, beyond my reach, yet constantly allowing me to reminiscence. It reminds me of what could have been but is not being, of those years where calender after calender was thrown away. Like a maglev train, like a soul-less ghost, time has robbed us of all that we should have had. In addition, we have not even realised that some parts of us have been violently sliced out, replaced by new, insignificant crap.
I am dreaming, am I? Yes, perhaps I am. But then again, isn't life all but mystified illusions?
I am sitting on the grass, bare-footed. The sun is making me sweat. i brush it off, get up and run to the side of the garden. The side of my bare foot touches the ball. Casually, I try to kick, try to make it all seem so easy, remembering to use the side of my foot and not the tip. The ball rolls forward, but only by a few inches.
The image is all so blurry. I step forward, try harder, step forward, try again. I kick the ball around the wet, green grass. Kick, stop, kick, stop. I miss, I run for it. I catch it. I hold up the ball triumphantly. I smile with glee, drop the ball, continue. I do not stop, lethargy is beyond me. Cheer, it was at its peak then. Then, not now...
I am whizzed out of the dream. Or was it not a dream. it is just a few years back, but not a dream. It has past me, and I am never to get it back again. Those years of innocence, those years where one would ask, "Why are you sad?" and expect a direct answer like, "I did badly for maths." or wadeva. Now there may neverbe a direct answer.
Now sadness may never have any reason at all. Those calenders were just thrown away, one by one, as if the last calender had just been dumped into the recycling bin the day before. I look at this soon-to-be-thrown-away calender. It says 'SEPTEMBER 2006'. Simple enough.
wadeva I had wanted to talk about, i have forgotten. Everything I had wanted to express has whizzed past me into realms of space, together with those faded memories. We often say ashes to ashes, dust to dust. Yeh, that is what will happen to all of those things. Seemingly insignificant, yet no. They are more important that anything else. More important than the things that have replaced them at the very least. Superficial-ity, jealousy, hatred, melancholy, misunderstanding, violence, everything.
I realise time has taken the most important of my memories away. They day that is more important than my birthday every year, the day he elft. I have mistook it. I have regarded it as 10 days before. it should be tomorrow, rightfully. Issit plain forgetfulnes, or issit my fault? I am convinced it is partially my fault. After everythign, how could I have forgotten. "Wasn't it 10 days ago?" I had asked, confused. There was an awkward silence, then nothingness, then my mind, then my heart, I don have a heart. It isn't there to remember and treasure the most important day in a year.
Forgive my audacity, I am pleading with you. I know I may have forgotten the day, yet I refuse to admit I have forgotten you. How could I have, after evrything? After all, you have been by my side all this while, not that I have treasured you. I am sorry. I know I have no right to plead, but I am doing it. Forgive me. All the wrongs I have done, they cannot be erased. I do not expect you to. Sorry...
I may not even be able to remember your face now, but I remember you. I would never forget. For that, I am pleading with you. All that I have wanted to happen, you have made it happen. For that, thank you. It is more than enough that you have done for me, but I want more. Im sorry. All that I have dreamed, hoped, wished for, you have made into reality. Success. You have given me all you can. Just give me the belief in you. To believe that you will do the best for me, that you will pave out my path. I know I have to shape out my future for myself. Allow me to believe that you will help me attain all that I want.
Perhaps years down the road, i will regret all that I have wanted. But now, I cannot care less.Give me the hope that all will go well. I am beign a coward and not facing it. I know. PLease forgive me. I cannot bring myself to do that. Maybe someday, I will not need this belief anymore. I await that day to come. but I will never forget all you have done for me. Brecause of you, all these have happened. They ouwld never have happened if u had not been by my side. sorry, and thank you.
Give me the hope. Give me the love. Allow me to love myself, to love you, to love everyone. To trust you, ot trust in myself, to trust in everyone else. Thank you. And sorry again.
zendagi migzara. life goes on. Thank you. To everyone and especially you. For everything, anything. For making me me. Cheer doesnt come easy. Probably they come rarely. but life goes on. Yeah I noe. I will let nature take its course. Bring me along with the waves. Effortlessly, I will follow suit.
Contemplat-ion,
zhen
