Wednesday, September 27, 2006 3:33 PM
What makes you DIFFERENT makes you BEAUTIFUL
I want to repeat that line to myself a gazillion times. I want to screw it into my uniquely puny brain. In my last post, I was the depressed, sorrowful teenager. Now I am back differently. I am the confident, indignant gurl next door. Hees. Yeps. I want to be me. And sometimes I have trouble doing so. Everything around me has changed me so much, it has painted my face, my lips, shaped my personality and actions into the ideal ones. so much so that the girl hidden deep inside the abyss of my heart hardly finds its way out. The girl who is still a child at heart, still nothing like who she is now. I want to be me, yet juts simply due to hard and fast protocol I am prevented form letting the real me escape into the sky.
I want to spread out my wings and fly off into the clouds, melodramatic, but there is no way it would have been described better. I want to be free of all burdens, not care about all the rules and regulations, I juts want to spread my wings and FLY! I want to do wat I want, fly in whatever direction I prefer, change my route anytime I want. I do not want to be handcuffed, to be caught and locked up in a cage. I wnt to be free. I want the wnd to be blowing in my face, it will bring me to where I should be. I will catch all the shooting stars I can reach, I will sway in the wind. i will be free of anyone's grasp! Hais. The italic part, It is what I really want, but yet the chance of it coming true is soo slim, if not inexistant. Mayeb it is what we call dreams. Usually, they do not come true. Maybe one day I will come close to flying free, just a little fastened to a few in-escapable rules. Maybe. Mysteriously as it seems, i think it will come true. I will make it come true rather. Yepps. will try my best.
We only have one life! Fly free~! YAY
Because of this society, because of this country, of the limitations, I dobt i cna realise my dreams. My outer-career may seem to be a careerwoman. But what i really want is to become a freelance writer. for chinese that is. I want to write whenever I have the inspiration, and earn money with that too. I want to be known for my writings, I want to have writing as my official job. But no, not novels. Just short stories in the newspapers. But I doubt it. If I really do that, I wouldn't have the money to support myself, since the space for development in the chinese writing industry here in s'pore is puny!
But deep inside, I know that is what I have passion for! Maybe we cannot have our way all the time.
I always juts write what I think, what I feel. I am unused to changing myself for exams, for protocol, for rules. I never had the intention to do that. My style, if that is what you clal it, ranges from insightful to emotional. Very novelish, as cls says. She lectured me on my compos, saying that my writing is nowhere worse than those who get 39/40, but it is my style that limits me to 36. Marks are never my full concern. I just want to write what I truly feel, not some crap clished, fake compo to please the markers.
Isn't that right? Being true to yourself? Isn't that what I should do?
CLS said that all the teachers who read my compos said that I had the talent to beocome a writer. Well, she said that to Jean too. Yeh, the two of us. I am happy I am ackowledged, but I do not like the fact that... I do not get 40 because of my style. Isn't writing based on eprsonal preference, personality, personal opinion?
All CLS says is that in exams we shouldn't be true to ourselves and just give them what they want. I thought she was crappy, effing lame. but now tht I think of it, if I want ot realise my dream, I need ot do well for this one. I need to adapt myself, i need to be able to please the markers, no matter how uncomfortable I am doing it.
Seriously, I am very uncomfortable doing that, writing like not how I always do. My hand keeps shaking, my words get untidy, well more than they usually are, my head seems blank, and worse of all, I feel an emptiness within. There is like a bottomless pit. All the ideas coem to my head and ot my hands, typical. But I cannot write them down. I need ot pick and choose, which is something I never do. And now I am breaking away from tradition to please a stupid ol' marker.
The ideas always come and they never stop, and I simply pen them down. As simple as that. I do not even need to watse energy thinking, but my hands ache, cos I have to write faster than I think, and that is hardly possible. Now, I have to contemplate on my ideas, ensure they are not too emotional, not too dramatic, ensure not too many tears are shed. And worst of all, ensure the marker will lurve it!
I don want to do this, it makes me not me! I want to be ME. I want to write what comes. I don want to cast my original and true ideas aside and make way for new ones. What if in the course of doing this, I change my style altogether.
I do not want to lose it! I want to remain with this partially mature and partially childish style. It makes the words full of truth and sincerity, not like some made-up model stories. Hate them.
Okay, so I am going to change myself. I don want to! Good luck Jean. I am going to try my best. Since cls forces me to, you also wiil ttry I guess? jia you.
