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The city buzz sounds just like a fridge, I walk the streets through seven bars.

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ZHIWEN
rafflesbowling
siccbowling
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winterbreak94@hotmail.com
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Layout: Sheryl F.
Resources: 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 Lyrics from: Gavin Rossdale- Love Remains The Same
Saturday, October 14, 2006 1:39 PM

I wonder what it is like to have a broken family. Is the hurt that bad or are all those stories I have heard just worst-case scenarios. I guess it will affect somehow. Perhaps I am rather fortunate to not have a real broken family. I mean, in theory mine is incomplete, but somehow it isn't really counted to be broken. But i think I am still happy. I am happy to be happy. These few days my mother has been trying her best to get closer to me. Our relationship was never really strained except when I am damn annoyed. But at least I don defy her like some people do, I just give her one-word answers.

I want to stop doing that, she doesn't deserve all this. I remember the time when he just left us. Every single one of my uncles came to me and asked me if i missed him. I stared blankly at the floor, not knowing what to say. What was I supposed to say, that was the type of question that there was no right answer because both yes and no was a wrong answer.

I mean if I said that I hated life without him and I missed him so terribly that I wanted him back then what would they do? huddle me and expect to lend me a shoulder to lean on I suppose. And of course probably get me some counsellor to find out if there were psychological afterffects of his passing. I didn't want that, but the alternative was not better either.

If I had said that I did not miss him at all, I would be thought of as a heartless, cold-blooded ungrateful beast. I am not a beast and I should never be thought of as one. At least not in this context. I couldn't say that there wasn't a difference without him in my life at all and that I am as happy as ever without him. For one, I would be lying to myself and to them, and for two, I would be showing them the wrong side of me.

I didn't want counsellors. I just wanted to make my life as simple as possible, wanted to let the drastic change just blend into the background. So I worked even harder at school just to prove to them that I am okay. Good that I have succeeded cos they no longer worry about me. Instead, they tell me, "280 can right?" everytime they meet me. Well I guess this is better than the alternative. Thats why I need to work so hard to meet their expectations. But now I know that it is only important that I meet my own expectations. Soon we wiill know if I did. Hopefully.....(: